finding a voice

Perspective

I've been delving within myself for a voice. My voice. Little Miss Joey's and mine. Two voices, I suppose. Or one that sums us up, her silly self and my nostalgic-prone-with-a-tad-of-humour self. Have you seen them anywhere? 

I keep having these questions about blogging and about this space. What is the point? What is my point?

I like it here. Little Miss Joey has the freckles I'll never admit to having and occasionally she makes me laugh belly laughs and I honestly like her. And that means I like the space we have here. I love going through the archives for these two years of blogging and seeing bits of my life here; a sunshine-edited version of my life, but my life nonetheless. Images with a story. Images with words I could not remember writing but that my fingers still feel on their tips. Pieces of me, here, documented for whenever I forget how happy I can be. Inspiring Mondays have been the best. They have reminded me of the good things in a long year, the things I so often struggled to find when writing now forever recorded for me.

Yet I question the sense of it all. It seems to me most things need a reason and I frequently need to know that reason. It was one of the hardest lessons in my life to learn how to let go of the need for reasons... and clearly one I still need to work on. Eek.

Little brother helped me with this, as he often does. I said to him I may end the blog because I couldn't see the point; he said: it's because you like writing. There it was, my reason. Simple and unequivocal. The photography illustrates my writing and not the other way around. It was the writing all along. The little snippets of life, in photography as in writing. 

As a last stop before I end my journey, I went to my Portuguese blog where the last post dates from November 2011. And it's there, my nostalgic self, the voice that never leaves me. There I find it, the reason for it all hidden in the sad words that often did not reflect my days... writing. Again the writing and my passion for it, more than for anything else I do. Writing as the constant I always go back to when everything else needs a little break.

All of a sudden, I want to write and write and write. In English and in Portuguese. Pour my heart out in words. For myself. Yes, it is good, from the heart good, to be read, but unlike all I've learnt in communications training, here I have to write for me, because it makes me happy, because it allows me to free up some space inside for other things!

while I sort myself out...

... you can read beautifully written texts by my friend Nicky. This one in particular. So wonderfully described that I could smell those prawn sandwiches (prawn sandwiches, Mister Brit, really??) and feel the excitement of the match. A must read, even if you're not a football fan.

change :: my word for 2013

Change.

The one word that makes the most sense for my 2013.

Change little things and change big things.

2013 is going to be my year of change. I don't know what will change nor how nor when, but all of the sudden change became this little big word I couldn't let go of.

When I first read Elise's post about choosing her word for 2012, I had a hard time getting it. I loved and was touched by her story, but I didn't understand the concept nor how it could last for a whole year. I put the post to the back of my mind as yet another one of those cool things you read online but that have no relevance to you. And then on my flight from home it hit me! Change!

The first thing that has changed is that I set new year resolutions for myself, measurable goals for this year. As with most things, breaking your goals into small steps really helps making them more manageable, less daunting and ultimately more achievable. I will be working on those stepping stones each month, hopefully keeping my goals in full view. 

Isn't it nice to have a plan? 

(I guess my need for plans, even if vague ones, will remain largely unchanged!)

heading to 2013

I'm looking forward to 2013. This year, I have new year resolutions, a list of intentions that doesn't include eating less or working out until I drop... I like to keep it real and achievable, as well as happy! The list is making me smile, as is knowing the 1 January 2013 is just a day that follows another day that is followed by another day. There's the promise of the new with the certainty of the same all same all; just perfect!

I would like to wish you all a fabulous 2013!

Life is good!

grateful

It’s Wednesday (not Monday) and I don’t feel inspired. To be honest, I feel quite boo. However, I don’t feel as boo as I could feel, really. The more I think about it, the more I realise that while it’s not great Michael is now in a hot country far far away, the core thing is we have each other and we’re working on changing that Summer/Winter minor difference we have going on (some people would just call it distance, but that’s boring). Once I let that sink in, I am open to realising another thing: I am one lucky girl! I’m made of pure people luck.

Yesterday was not my finest day. I was sad and quiet and trying really hard to get on with things. For that, I had a little help from my friends.

:: mini brownies. Home baked. In a cute wrapping with a ribbon. I cannot explain how this lovely gift and gesture touched my day. Not only did it make it happy inside, but I got to stuff myself with these little pieces of heaven every time I felt a bit more boo. Thank you!
:: hugs and sweetness all around the office. I needed it!
:: running. Faster than I normally run. Tiring me out for the evening!
:: dinner and lemon curd maccaroons. With wine. And good chats. Delaying going home for as long as possible!

life and us

How does one go back to one’s ‘normal’ life when one has tasted how much sweeter ‘normal’ life can be?

Michael (for that is his name) has left this morning. I did not cry. I was holding a cup of coffee with one hand and my heart with the other, for he was taking it with him (worry not, I have a spare one for bodily functions). I waved goodbye and shrank inside myself as the bus pulled away and I was left there, just me, not alone, but just me. When I go back home this evening, the house will be empty of him and our silliness. I do silly well, but there’s nothing quite like doing silly with the ones you love.

So… how does one go back to one’s ‘normal’ life? I don’t know yet. And fortunately, I won’t have to know for a few days yet. I have our Project Life album to finish, of our time together this winter before I go home for Christmas. Then there’s Christmas and Little Brother and the parents and the cats and the rest of the family and friends and all the sunshine to absorb and pack up in my happy sunshine cells. Then there’s New Year and Second New Year and…  then there’s ‘normal’ life.

I may not know how to get back to ‘normal’ life, but I know I don’t want to go back. That’s a start. A start in the direction of change.

little snippets of life

LMrJ is in Oxford and has been for the last 14 days. He’s staying until the 18th, a date too far away for me to think about, but so soon I can already see it. For now though, I’m putting that to the back of my mind and I’m enjoying the ‘normal’ life we get to have.

Having a long distance relationship is hard. I thought about ways of writing this sentence in an LMJ way, but couldn’t. I couldn’t because I didn’t want to. As well as being silly, LMJ is honest (some would say blunt) and prefers to deal with reality rather than a well-dressed version of it. Long distance relationships are hard and mine is no different.

I am grateful for skype and my iPhone and mobile phones in general. And the post office for the special treats. I am grateful that we both live in countries where wireless internet is as common as electricity. I am grateful for the time difference we have that makes our life styles fit in to it just perfectly (all things considered!). But…

There’s nothing like a warm neck to heat up your freezing nose on in these cold winter days. Especially when you’re allowed to ‘steal’ its warmth. Nothing compares to the gentle touch of soft lips or a foot massage when you’re tired; or everyday, preferably! There’s no replacement for the chats you can have in person… or the silences. I love the peaceful shared silence as much as I love the talking. And let’s not even mention eating ice cream together; pure heaven!

So when people ask me what amazing things I have been doing with LMrJ I say “the ‘normal’ things”. Aren’t they amazing? I think people often forget how ordinary life is the most important bit of life. Treats are great, holidays are fabulous, special dates are brilliant, but I’m afraid we’re stuck with ordinary for the most of it and we don’t even realise how truly good that can be. Or should be.

For me, in a long distance relatiosnhip, the most amazing thing that happens everyday since having LMrJ around is waking up next to him. So simple and yet so wonderful. But there are other amazing things. Stealing his warmth (I’m cold all the time, like a little lizzard!). Deciding what’s for dinner. Doing the laundry. Watching a film under a blanket, with ice cream! Popping to tesco’s to get milk. Watching Big Bang Theory and hearing him laugh. Talking at breakfast. Having breakfast with him every single day, actually. Calling dibs for the shower…. and winning almost always!

My amazing things are all the simple things. And you know what? I love it!

P.S. – I may have to write a post on my take on long distance relationships when LMrJ is not around

anymore. But not now. Now I want to pretend he’s here forever.